When Things Fall Apart:
With guidance from Pema Chödrön and Martha Beck
I have a lot of clients who are going through a time where life as they know it is unraveling. My teacher, Martha Beck, calls it a “catalytic event”. We all have these. Some are bigger than others: The job ends. The relationship breaks. A loved one dies. A baby is born. Menopause. It’s like fog rolling in on the Golden Gate Bridge; it blurs the outline of everything you thought was solid. A plan you held tight dissolves like a sand castle when the tide rolls in.
What do you do when it all falls apart?
Our culture teaches us to return to normal, push it down, move on, and keep going. But my spiritual teachers whisper something different. They say pause, treat yourself as you would a tiny kitten, be still, rest, and listen.
Pema Chödrön calls this groundlessness, and Martha Beck calls it "square 1." Both describe the same sacred, terrifying thing: the death of one version of one's life before the birth of a new one.
It’s disorienting, yes. But we have two choices now: Break down and close up, or break beyond and crack wide open.
The Cracking Open
It’s easy to think something’s gone terribly wrong when life breaks down. But what if the breakdown is the breakthrough? What if the falling apart is life pulling you back into alignment?
Martha Beck teaches that when we stray from our truth, live by social scripts someone else wrote, or define ourselves through a false narrative, our soul will eventually rebel. Discomfort, upheaval, and loss initially occur, but those feelings ultimately lead to freedom.
Likewise, Pema teaches that our attempts to “secure” ourselves through roles, routines, and even perfection are illusions. When they collapse, we finally see the truth: that control was never the point. Presence was.
What to Do When Life Falls Apart
1. Feel Everything
Instead of numbing, fixing, or fleeing, do the radical thing: feel it. Feel the loss, the fear, the confusion. As Martha says, “Pain is not the enemy. Pain is the beacon.” Let it guide you toward what matters.
2. Drop the Old Story
Both Martha and Pema invite us to examine the thoughts that play like a broken record in our minds. The voice that says we have to be a certain way, please certain people, or succeed on society’s terms. Let it fall. There is a deeper story waiting to emerge. But it needs silence to rise.
3. Get Wildly Honest
This is your invitation to truth. Not the polished, polite version but the raw, messy, liberating kind. What do you really want? Who are you without the titles, the expectations, the performance?
4. Make Room for Mystery
You don’t have to figure everything out. As Pema writes, “The truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart.” And in that cycle, something wiser than your mind is at work. Let it lead.
5. Hold Yourself with Fierce Compassion
The bravest, most radical thing a person can do is be present in the unknown. When we put down the phone, or the booze, or online shopping, or sleeping around, or in my case, the NYT Crossword, this tenderness is your superpower to catapult you into the next creation. How do you do that? Just sit with whatever emotion arises and feel it. I promise you can handle the discomfort.
You’re Not Lost. You’re Becoming.
When everything you thought was solid falls away, you might feel like you’re unraveling. But look again. You’re not falling apart, you’re falling up into something more profound.
A truer you. A wilder you. A freer you.
As Martha says:
"Emotional discomfort, when accepted, rises, crests, and falls in a series of waves. Each wave washes a part of us away and deposits treasures we never imagined. Out goes naivete, in comes wisdom; out goes anger, in comes discernment; out goes despair, in comes kindness. No one would call it easy, but the rhythm of emotional pain that we learn to tolerate is natural, constructive, and expansive… The pain leaves you healthier than it found you.”
And as Pema reminds us:
"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found."
So when it all falls apart, the only thing you have to do is let go of the plan so you can rest and trust. Give that part of you a chance. I believe you know how to rise from the rubble. That loving part is in there. It has been breathing your since your first breath.
And it’s leading you home.